Life is full of pain. There is physical pain, often described as mild, sharp, dull or severe. It can be housed in many areas of our body such as, somatic (muscular skeletal), visceral (thorax, abdomen, pelvis), various types of nerve pain, (neuropathic, sympathetic), as well as the use of labels such as, acute, critical, and chronic pain. There are even “breakthrough” pain issues in each of these physical areas. Everyone knows there is emotional pain too. The fact is pain is everywhere! Yet, who really knows our pain?
Many of you out there reading this may say, "Doctors know our pain." However, I challenge each of you to ask yourself, “Do they really know and understand pain?” Doctors are actually human and thus find themselves just practicing medicine once learned through the intensive studies in their education. Most doctors have not experienced much in the way of severe, chronic or critical pain. When a patient tries to help their doctor understand their pain, they find it is difficult. You see, most pain is difficult to describe fully with words. In reality, the fact is, unless a person has truly experienced the pain they really do not understand it completely.
Fortunately or unfortunately, in my life I have experienced more than my share of pain, both in the physical and emotional realms. As a result, I have a very deep understanding of pain, even though I lack the medical education of a doctor. Through my experience, I have learned of and experienced many medical treatments such as the following:
***Thanks to oncologychannel.com/pain/treatment2 for the above list and links***
However, none of these truly fix the pain, instead they only “allow” the person to “endure it” and “manage it” for a period a time. Reality is pain actually serves an important purpose in our lives. Perhaps you knew that without our pain receptors we would die in our life’s journey. The ability to sense and feel pain actually keeps us safe throughout life. Pain receptors let us know when something is wrong inside our bodies so we can seek the needed medical attention. This in itself often has saved our lives. There are times pain has kept us from doing things that are harmful to our bodies. Therefore, pain truly is helpful - it is a tool.
Okay, before continuing our journey together to really find out who really knows our pain, (if anyone), take a moment to look over the following list of pain categories. How many of these pain conditions have you personally experienced? How many of them have you experienced through the eyes of a family member or friend? Check them off noting “S” for self and “O” for others.
Types
Arthritis that affects your “shock absorbers” is the cause of pain and disability in knee and hip joints that can lead to surgery. Click here.
The causes of back pain can be complex -- accidents, muscle strains, sports injuries. Stiffness, pain, lower back pain, and pain radiating down the leg are symptoms of back pain.
Overexertion, pinched nerves -- all sorts of joint and muscle problems can cause neck and shoulder pain. Click here to read more about how shoulder and neck pain are diagnosed and treated.
A car accident or any abrupt jerking motion to the head and neck -- and suddenly you have serious neck, shoulder, back pain. Standard X-rays of the neck may not show any injuries. Read more about whiplash.
Use your muscles incorrectly, too much, too little -- and you have muscle pain. Learn the subtle differences of muscle injuries and pain.
Overuse injuries -- muscle sprains, strains, and pains -- result from all sorts of assaults, small to severe. Read more about the causes of muscle pain and treatment of muscle pain.
Problems of the jaw, jaw joint, and facial muscles that control chewing -- those are signs of TMD disorders. But facial pain is just one symptom. Learn more here.
It’s considered one of the most painful conditions in medicine. The face pain it causes can be treated. Learn more about what causes trigeminal neuralgia and treatments for face pain caused by it.
A complication of shingles is the painful after-effects known as postherpetic neuralgia. This condition occurs only in some people and after the rash of shingles has disappeared.
When your rear or leg muscles worsen when sitting for a long period of time, climbing stairs, walking, or running -- it might be sciatica. Read up on this common problem.
Inflamed tissue, which surrounds the spinal cord -- caused by injury, infection, or other assaults -- can cause great disability and pain. Read more.
See the causes of joint pain and how to treat it with both home remedies and prescribed medication.
It’s a baffling, intensely painful disorder that can develop from a seemingly minor injury, yet is believed to result from high levels of nerve impulses being sent to the affected disorder. Learn more about this disorder.
A stroke, multiple sclerosis, or spinal cord injuries can result in chronic pain and burning syndromes from damage to brain regions. Read this brief overview.
Phantom pain refers to the sensation of pain felt by patients who have had a limb amputated. Treatments are usually disappointing and do not provide relief. Read more about phantom limb pain.
If you have diabetes, nerve damage can be a serious complication. This nerve complication can cause severe burning pain especially at night. Learn more about diabetic neuropathy.
Depression, anxiety, and other emotional problems can cause pain -- or make existing pain worse. Click here to know more.
***NOTE: Thanks to the medical websites like WebMD for the information above.***
Review your checklist. So what did you discover? On a scale of 1-10 what would you rate your understanding of pain from your own personal experience? How has experiencing pain through the lives of family and friends helped you understand pain? Do you believe going through the pain yourself increased your understanding? Do you think the experience of walking the pain with a family member or friend through increased your understanding of pain? Is your understanding of other person’s pain as clear as the pain you experienced in your own life? Do you think journeying with others helped you be a better person? Does experiencing the pain in your own life help you be a better person? Does it increase your understanding and compassion for others? Can you ever fully understand another person's pain? Or your own?
So many questions, yet amazingly enough, going through a pain journey for ourselves does help us in our understanding of other's pain. In fact, pain can help us be better people, especially when the pain is “well-managed” and “under-control”. I have experienced the reality of pain first hand. As I looked over the list above, in my life, I made the discovery I had experienced all of things listed either personally or by journeying side by side with other person. The fact is, 12 of the 16 listed, I have experienced first-hand in my own life's journey of pain.
My life as not been an easy road…pain has filled my life. Pain has taught me so much. At the same time, I would not wish the pain I have experienced on anyone, yet it has been a valuable tool in my life. It has helped me have a heart of compassion for others. The fact is, no matter how unpleasant it has been I would not change my experience of pain. It is now the path that allows me relate to so many who suffer - sharing comfort, encouragement and wisdom. We have all heard the proverb, about walking a mile in another man's shoes. There is so much truth there, if we just open our eyes and hearts to the benefits of our experience with pain. However, it is NOT an easy road…it is NOT for the weak. It takes courage and a lot of trust. “For in our weakness, He is made strong.” He must be our strength to make it through…”we find comfort in the shadow of His wings.”
There are verses that speak of Jesus and his suffering for us. He personally chose to experience suffering and pain so He could know exactly what we are going through in life. He did not have to make this choice, as our Lord and Savior. However, in His great love and compassion for each one of us, He wanted a way to assure us that He fully understands our pain. For you see, He has completely experienced great pain, both physically and emotionally. He did it just for us. He loves us that much!
For example, here is just one verse you can think about that bring clear picture of His emotional and physical pain and suffering:
"And being in an agony he prayed more earnestly: and his sweat was as it were great drops of blood falling down to the ground."
As a side note, as I researched, it is interesting that Luke is the only gospel writer to mention that Jesus' sweat was as great drops of blood. This is might be because Luke was a physician (Col. 4:14), and therefore, this fact would hold a special significance to him personally.
Medically there are documented cases of people actually sweating drops of blood under extreme emotional pressure. Until I researched this, I did not know this was an actually possibility. Perhaps this is why Luke is the only writer to mention the “angel strengthening” Jesus. During the time of Jesus' forty days of fasting and temptation encountered with Satan in the wilderness, it was recorded the angels ministered unto Him (Mark 1:13). He needed supernatural strength to endure His sufferings. He is showing us an example so we know we cannot do it on our own.
Did Jesus really sweat blood? We cannot be 100% certain, because we find the use of the words "as it were" might also mean that the sweat of Jesus were only comparable to blood in consistency or size. However, whether He sweat tears of real blood or tears in relative size to blood, it certainly underscores the effect of Jesus' agony and the effects it had on His physical body. He was in true agony.
Many people do not real Jesus can relate to us emotionally as well as physically. If you read the above verse, again you will see Jesus' sufferings for us were more than just physical. In the garden, before He suffered physically, He suffered emotionally, almost to the point of death. As the book of Luke records, an angel had to come and give Him strength. If the angel did not come to help Him through the emotional struggle, it alone would have killed Him. Now, without question, I would conclude that statement shows a very real and extreme emotional struggle. What an awesome Savior! He chose to go through all this suffering just so He would experience pain on a personal level which in turn, allows Him understand our individual emotional struggles. Wow! What love! Can you truly grasp that truth?
Many times as we experience the pain and the struggles of life, we feel alone. We often feel like no one could possibly understand what we are going through at that time. This is exactly what I have felt time to time throughout my pain journey. It can be a lonely place. It is at that time, God must remind me of His personal experiences of pain and suffering. He reminds me that He CAN relate on the same level. He lets me know I am not alone. Gently He renews my mind to recall the ways He has comforted me in the past. He shows me this is in the same way He was comforted by His Father and angels. He urges me to lean on Him, to trust Him and allow Him to be my strength.
"Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God. For just as the sufferings of Christ flow over into our lives, so also through Christ our comfort overflows."
God is the Father of tender mercies and God of all comfort. He comforts us through all our tribulations, sufferings and pain, so that we may be able to comfort others through the life experiences we have endured. Some of you out there may not have reached this place of comfort and peace. I encourage you to not give up, but reach out to God – He hears your cries. Your time will come…feel it - you are loved beyond measure!
For those of us who have felt the comfort and peace of God, must strive to take time to reflect on and recall the comfort God has given each of us in our time of need. Next, reflect and ask God for help and wisdom to apply it to others. I believe God wants us to “not only feel” for others, but to “seek for ways to comfort” them. He allows us to go through pain so we have the experience to use as a tool to help others. It is a sort of a "pay it forward" type of principal.
Reflecting on this Easter season before us, I must take the time to stop and look at God's hand of comfort in my own life. In this season, after months of suffering and years of losses and pain, I have only begun to learn to cherish the opportunity of experiencing pain as a tool. I still struggle in using pain as a tool, but each time I press forward, it gets a little easier. So trust me, it will happen for you too, so wait in anticipation…hang on to the truth.
Some of you out there maybe thinking, “You don’t understand what has happened in my life so how can to claim that I can learn the same peace to use pain as a tool?” In order to help you understand my journey, below you will find a brief overview of the events in the past 6-8 years of my life. It is my hope reading my experiences will serve to help you grasp how God has journeyed with me and helped me use of pain in its entirety as a tool. Okay, are you ready for the journey? Here we go but hang on because it will not be an easy ride. I pray God will use it to touch your life and encourage you through the difficult times.
A Snippet of My journey:
· Life moved on after many other experiences in pain and suffering, until a truck rear-ended me and put me into the mode of greater testing. The injuries caused me a great deal of suffering, plus a loss of balance, visual issues and difficulty with the use of my left side of my body. It was a 2-year process of intense recovery. I questioned God and wondered why He would allow me all this suffering. I continued to grow in my faith once I began to accept my journey of suffering and looking toward healing.
· Began helping hospice my grandma on my dad’s side…My heart ached deeply. She was so very precious to me. I was so very tired. There was a lot of traveling. Once she died, I missed her greatly, but I was thankful she was no longer suffering. Now I had to focus my energy to support my grandpa who was so lost without her. They had been together for 74 years. He wanted to die. It was a challenge to keep him alive and let him know how much he was loved. I promised grandpa I would take care of him. I promised I would help him believe in God and know there is a heaven. God was faithful and helped my brother and me to bring hope and salvation to my grandpa as well as and trust he will see grandma once again. So many tears and sleepless nights…Continued working, but it was so very hard...
· I was selected to move to a new position at work, which this time meant changing schools, not just classrooms. It was a big job to move. I was so tired from all I had been through already with my grandma’s cancer and grandpa’s breakdown. The move was almost more than I could handle at that time, but I pressed on. I was grateful for friends who help make this move possible. Yet, to move was like another loss. On the other hand, I was excited to be on the ground floor of starting a brand new school. Change is good but stressful too, especially when you have much to organize and move. It is even worse when you have a painful body. I focused on my students…I loved being with them, so I pressed on!
· I awoke one morning on the weekend unable to see out of my right eye and my right leg would not move. After being transported to ER, I learned if the treatment had not happened within those next 5 minutes, I would have been permanently blind in my right eye. WOW! I felt so grateful! Yet, the doctors were unclear of the underlying cause, so more tests would follow. I returned to work…
· I was hanging in there even though I kept having problems with my arms and leg. I was determined to push through it, thinking it must just be stress, since the doctors did not have answers. Now, I would be test further for it was time to hospice my grandpa. He had struggled over the past 3 years with the lost of my grandpa. He never was the same. He missed her greatly. I missed her too. It was difficult to see him suffer. I loved him so much. I knew his time was short and I would miss him too. I was thankful I could rest in peace that I knew he was saved and that I would see both of my grandparent again someday. Therefore, I pressed on…
· Three months later, my experience of dropping things increased and my right leg once again did not want to work. I felt very discouraged and questioned God. I was still grieving the loss of my grandparents. Had I not already gone through enough? I just wanted to teach and touch the lives of children. What would happen now? I in need of leaning on others for my faith…I felt I had none.
· Soon I had to take a medically leave from work, then unfortunately there was a delay in disability coverage, so bills were mounting, including the mortgage payment. I was told I may not live very long so I should make the appropriate plans to get my life and affairs in order. I did not understand God's timing. Why He was allowing me to go through so much suffering? I did not want to die, although I would be happy to see my grandparents. Yet, I was not ready to stop teaching, enjoying the great outdoors or doing art. I wanted to serve God and use the talents He had given me. How could I accept this journey? How could I trust God would work all things for good?
· My health declined; I could not move my own body. I struggled to breathe on my own. My pain rose to a level that I wished for death. I cried out to God. He seemed so far away. All that I enjoyed in life was now taken away from me. How could I accept this journey? Where was God? Does He not hear my cry? Does He not feel my pain? There were so many questions. It was a time of much reflection. It was a time of great learning and understanding. I had so much to learn about life, faith and pain. Thanks be to God for His body of believers and His love that never fails even when we cannot feel it!
· I stopped breathing, only to experience a blissful peace, a new understanding of death and God's love for me. WOW! What a lesson I learned through this experience. I never will forget it. My faith in God grew. My understanding of His love for me was overwhelming. I no longer was afraid of death. I knew God wanted to heal me, whether that meant here on this earth or with Him in heaven. I was continuing to learn how to count my blessings in each moment of breath. Although, I had accepted Christ years ago, yet I finally found my “true identity” in Christ. I finally understood so much that I had not understood before. I began to see myself through God’s eye instead of own.
· It was during that time, God taught me to write down 3 things that blessed me that day. I would review each blessing from previous days and thank God, for those blessings He would have in store for the coming day. This helped me get through many hard days. This was a time of growing and change. I had the hope God filling me from within and His JOY was tickling my heart even though I was experiencing so much pain.
· I discovered that throughout my illness my earthly identity had been stolen. Fraud accounts had been established everywhere! New accounts were opened in my name while my checking account was broken into, and many cell phones were purchased in my name. To put stop to all the activity all my accounts had to be frozen while under FBI investigation. It was a nightmare! Why would God allow me to find and understand my true identity in Him while taking everything else away? It seemed so confusing, but I had to trust God. I was His child and He assured me my identity in Him could not be taken away. After all, look at all He had brought me through thus far. How could I turn away now? How could I stop trusting Him? So I rested in Him…I continued to trust and allow His peace to reign…
· Time passed, it looked I was closer and closer to death. It felt as if I would meet my maker soon. Nevertheless, God reached out and touched me with His healing hand. It was a few days before Easter, April 16th to be exact. I had caregivers around the clock to move me and tend to my needs. My breathing stat of 42 was not compatible with life. Pain racked my body. Every joint felt as if it was on fire. The joints felt like they were fused together by the “molten-lava” that seem to flow through my body. My muscles ached and hurt so badly I wanted to rip them off my bones. My breathing was labored and thinking was not clear, but God’s peacefulness and joy filled my heart.
It was on this day that a friend of mine brought by a person with the ability of healing prayer. Many people had been praying for me, it was clear I had not been physically healed; although, much emotional and spiritual healing had occurred and that was wonderful…I was in a place of acceptance. I knew God would heal me when I was with Him if He did not heal me on this earth. There was such peace in that thought. My friend asked if her friend could pray for me and I agreed. There is never any harm in turning to God in prayer…it brought me comfort. However, this time, things were different, I was comforted, but I could feel my body changing…the “molten-lava” flowing in each joint was melting like ice; I began sweating as my body cooled. My joints became freed up and the muscles been to understand the messages of nerves to move. My breathing began to work without a struggle. My lungs began filling with air and working as they were intended. I knew God was healing me here on this earth this very moment. Every cell within me praised Him and shouted with joy! It was a miracle!
I was so thankful for all those who helped me - friends, school staff, medical staff and the church family of believers. I had so much to be grateful for…my heart was full of joy! God had become real through the “hands and feet” of others. My life was beginning to change. I shared my story with many. God gave me a vision of using the art talent he had given me for Him. I was setting forth to serve Him with all my being. I wanted to reach the world with His love and message of hope. Doors were opening and I knew God would put the talent He gave me to work to help others, especially abused and hurting “at risk” children, as well as orphans. It was the beat of His heart flowing through art. His heART in ART…His life-blood flowing… It was a miracle! I was even able to return to teaching while continuing to plan missions and art for the summer! In addition, more healing work was taking place as I worked on “Restoring the Foundations” and breaking the curses and bonds of death Satan held on me. It was like having a new life! “Behold in Christ I am a new creation, old things are passed away; behold all things become new.”
· More time passed; so much healing had taken place in my life when my mom showed up on my doorstep and she was not alone. She was the caregiver for a 62-year-old woman suffering from CP, so she came with her. My mom said she was here for a visit and could tell she was in pain. Bottom-line, my mom was ill and did not have health insurance. She was having difficulty caring for the woman with CP, so came to me for help. She had lost her home and put her things in storage. It was then I became the caregiver for my mom and the woman she was once caring for many years. I also continued to teach. I knew I had to pay the bills and figure out how to get my mom and this woman help. It was a very stretching time. I was beginning to have difficulty with the use of my arms and the pain in my pain grew greater. There was lots of pain, but I did not know why. My lab work was not coming back normal. Doctors were thinking I had ALS or perhaps some form of cancer too. I figured it must be stress because God healed me. I knew I must have kept going. I prayed to God each day for strength and continued to claim His healing for my mom as well as for myself. I thank Him for His healing hand on my life and all the miracles he had performed. I knew I could not make it without Him.
· After several ER visits with my mom, I finally found a doctor that would accept her as a patient. After many tests, it was discovered she had a very fast growing cancer. I did my best to care for her and make sure she had the medical care she needed. She needed emergency surgery right away. They could not remove all the cancer and the tumor grew back twice as fast. I continued to pray and ask God for her healing. I asked others to pray and took her to the healing rooms too. My mom’s cancer continued to grow, but at the same time, she was healing emotionally and spiritually. She was growing and changing just as I had in my journey. There was hope. I was being able to comfort her with the comfort God had given me!
· Soon my mom was placed on hospice. I wanted to make things the best I could for her. I wanted to provide a few things that would bring her pleasure. I wanted to encourage her heart, pray with her and attend you chemo treatments and appointments. There was no other choice; I had to take another leave of absence from work. It was a very difficult time, especially since my finances were still a mess from the identity fraud and previous medical care. I had to keep trusting God. It was hard, but He kept my mind reflecting on all He had brought me through already. During this time, He was blessing me with precious moments with my mother. It was a healing time between mother and daughter. I felt blessed and sad and that same time. I will always cherish that time with my mom.
· Also at this time, my young neighbor I had been mentoring with Aspersers, ended-up in jail. His mother needed my support and encouragement. He needed me too. My energy was being stretched very thin. Somehow, God gave me strength to keep going. I knew God had placed him in my life. I had to keep trusting and believing. I kept claiming that all things would work for good!
· There was another development at this time. I had begun building a relationship with my "husband to be"...He was like an angel helping hospice my mom. He would sing to her, rub her feet and prepare meals too. I could see God's hand at work even though my stress level was very high. Later, it was discovered I had actually known his first wife who died of breast cancer. It seemed God was being the divine matchmaker. It was so amazing! Such a “blessing of abundance” and peace was upon me even when I had very little materially. I felt so rich! WOW! So blessed at such a trying, sad time of my life!
· Time was moving on, my "husband to be" packed all of his things to prepare for the move--to our surprise, everything in his moving trunk was stolen, including his identity! He had very little left to his name - even clothes had been taken, along with files, medical records, photos, Stanford diploma and more. How could God allow this to happen to someone who blessed my life so much? Then we realized we had to readjust our thinking...after all we had one another and that is what really mattered! God would get us through this somehow.
· Now it is a new year! It began by marrying my soul-mate. What a blessings with mixed emotions. It was one of the happiest days of my life and even though friends and family were unable to come because of our speedily planned wedding due to my mom's request to be a part of it. You see, each time we set a date, my mom would say, that is not soon enough...I do not have that much time left. She truly knew her time was at hand. As a result, we changed our 3 times! We really originally wanted to be married that summer. Over all we are grateful she was a part of our wedding even though so many other important people could not be. It was a good-bye gift to my mom. Of course, at the time, we figured not having others there would be ok since we would have a big celebration with family and friends in the early summer. I had given up on ever getting married. Since I could not have children and I loved teaching, I just figured I would be one of those old school teachers that never married and did mission in the summers. However, God had other plans for He knew the true desires of my heart. What a gift God had bestowed on me…to bring me a soul-mate to have a hold forever! Although, it was a happy sad day, but I was and am so blessed!
Sadly, Mom died 5 days later...we took some family time...then my other grandpa on my mom’s side died with little warning, so we were unable to do a honeymoon as planned. It was put on hold…once we had to trust God and look to Him for strength…
· A month and a half later, after returning to school I went in for some tests. I had a major seizure after a medical procedure, so more tests were needed. Several more seizures occurred. I was forced to take another leave of absence from work. I began to question God again. Why would he allow this to happen? My heart was so sad. I did not want my students to worry. However, the administrator decided I could not communicate with my students or even the substitute working in my place. It was very confusing...my heart was breaking...I knew certain students needed to hear from me. I wanted them to know I was ok. I wanted to encourage them to work hard for their new teacher. I wanted to remind them to always do their personal best and never give up even when things in life are hard. All I wanted was for them was to know I would always be here cheering them on whether I could be their teacher or not. So here I was at a new place in my journey and wondering why God healed me only to bring me to this place once again? I had to grieve once again...so much loss! I loved teaching and I cared deeply about my students. I would miss them and the staff, so very much! I knew I must trust God. He somehow would work all things for good. I had to trust Him!
· Then to my surprise, another unexpected thing happened...my long time friends were overloaded and needed a break from my situation...most said, "A good-bye" so they could get on with their own lives. The timing seemed to be the worst for me, but I did understand where they were coming from – it was time for their needs. It was hard not seeing them, talking with them and praying with them. I must say I cried a lot. I felt so abandoned, so alone, even though I knew I was not really. I needed friends to add some laughter in my life. I needed them to continue their prayers. There had been too many losses...with family deaths, (plus 3 friends dying too), career, health, finances, not being able to hike, ski, white water rafting, etc. and now my closest friends...Yet somehow, I knew God would carry me through. I just had to keep trusting…keep believing…but it was oh so very hard! No one will ever know how it sent me in to a world of questioning...wondering if I should ever share my pain/life with others. But God said, I must...This journey is for a reason.
· Time past, I was losing the ability to use my arms and fingers. Besides the fact, there was a great deal of pain flooding my body. Tests showed C3-C7 cutting into my spinal cord and causing death to the nerves and muscles in my arms, hands and fingers. Surgery was scheduled for a 3 level cervical fusion in hopes to bring life back to my arms and hands. After all, God showed me that He wanted me to use the talent He had given me for Him. How could I do art if my body did not work right? We were told it was a very risky surgery. Once again, I had to trust God. My life continued to be in His hands, even though I could not understand why He allowed all this to happen in my life. I had to keep counting the blessings and looking ahead. I pleaded with God to renew my mind and rebuild my faith.
· One more thing, surgery complications: I had drowned in my own saliva, causing pneumonia, it was discovered I was unable to swallow, and because of a lack of oxygen to my brain, I was having trouble with word finding, etc. It seemed more and more clear I would not be able to teach again, especially like this. Would God choose to do another healing miracle in my life? All I could do is trust and have hope. Time would tell what God had in store for my life.
· As a result of the complications, I was hospitalized for 32 more days, and then released to the rehab center. However, once again, I was found drowning in my own saliva. The pneumonia was back too, so I was sent back to hospital...however, due to my insurance coverage it was said I must prepare for a nursing home once I was stable. A nursing home? What was God doing? How would I get better?
· Soon my husband made it clear he refused to allow me to go to a nursing home. At that point, he took a leave of absence from his work, so he could care for me at home. He did not realize it would cause him to lose his job completely besides the fact it was a new job, he would not have benefits to carry him over. What a mess! Once again, all we could do was trust God. Why was God allowing this? It feel like more than any person can handle. It felt so discouraging. Due to medicines and pain, etc my thinking was not very clear. It was a very hard time to stay focused on God and have faith to believe.
· So finally, I was able to come home. Our living room set up as a hospital room with the machines needed for my care…Machines for suction, feeding and whatever else. Honestly, I do not recall much about this period of time. My mind was so foggy. However, after my husband continued to provide on-going care for me, he was in great need of respite. Soon it was arranged for him to leave for a week. The plan was he would meet a friend and travel to Friday Harbor, Washington for some much-needed R and R. However, sadly, minutes after leaving the ferry he was hit by an uninsured, non-licensed drunk driver at an impact speed of 103 mph. He was seriously injured and never able to return to work. He had surgery and many treatments and tests. Life would never be the same for him or for me. What was God doing? We both desire to serve you. How can we serve when we cannot even function in our everyday lives?
· My husband began dealing with flashbacks of his first wife dying. He was seeing me as her from time to time. There was so much suffering for us both. Besides all the other issues that were occurring in everyday life, not to mention finances and medical issues, etc. His PTSD from the accident was a major issue too. Oh God, we need your healing hand on our lives…restore our faith and give us hope…it was a great test on our relationship. It forced us to separate even though we didn't want to...there was no other choice at the time. Thanks be to God He brought us back together.
· As you can see, with everything, the way it stood, we were unable to have our planned wedding celebration with family and friends. Honeymoon plans were on hold too. It was all so sad but we had to just let it go. Our faith was being tested beyond anything we had known before. My husband's brain injury created many changes in our life. It was so hard to understand the change in his personality. In addition, it seemed so puzzling that not even one of our friends mentioned helping us make a celebration become a reality. Now none of them new of our separation. Still it weighed on my heart that no one even asked us questions to help re-plan a celebration for the future. There was so much to understand, accept and digest. However, God continued to reminded me to remember we are all human and everyone has his or her own plates full of life issues. Therefore, we had to truly just to all that life was throwing at us and just let it go of any hopes or dreams of a celebration. It was sad and it hurt to let it go of something that would make the memory of our marriage a more happy time. Yet, I had to realize, that so much had happened over this time period that people probably had forgotten about what was planned or that had not celebrated our marriage. We had to hold our own celebration in our hearts to recall the fact that our marriage was in the eyes of God and that love between us was all that really mattered in the end anyway.
· Now all these hardships it continued to make us aware we had much to work out in our relationship, especially with our medical issues, including brain the injuries, finances and physical changes...WOW! How would this marriage last? Sadly, again, we had to separate, I questioned, why would God allow me to finally find my soul-mate only to allow us so much pain and suffering? Somehow, we knew it would only be by the grace of God that our bond would be strengthened and not torn apart. Our bond did remain strong but it was clear we could not live together. His flashbacks and suffering increased seeing me suffer. It was not a healing situation for his well-being. All I could do was pray hard. I tried to lean on God and trust in His hope and grace. I worked hard to try to trust God to work all things for good; to make all the pain in our lives into something of value… something to bring glory to God and touch the lives of others. We worked to study the Bible together. We prayed together and for one another. We had to hang on to the gift of our love, together or apart...we knew we had the gift of one another...and the gift of life, the gift of love. We often cried together through our great feeling of loss…there was so much grief over so many life issues and family deaths. We had to grieve the fact we had not been able to enjoy life as a couple, doing things normal couples would do. It felt like were ripped off. We had to look within our hearts to reach a new level with God. We struggled with feelings of anger. We knew God did not do this to us, but on the other hand, He did allow it to happen. We knew it was not our place to understand God’s reasoning, but at the same time, there were so many feeling floating around in our heads. We looked to the Psalms to cry out to God as David did. Somehow, we knew we need to continue trusting in Him and knowing somehow; He will work all things for good no matter the outcome. God was the only one who could heal us and make all things right.
· Time past, more medical tests revealed more pre-cancerous cells in my body. So another surgery was needed right away. It felt like the last straw...it was more than either of us could bear. My husband became fearful of losing me to cancer like his first wife. It was a very stressful time. More tests would be needed to check for cancer and to fix other issues. Oh God, how can this be? My husband’s PTSD flashbacks increased...the brain injury did not allow him to cope with this trial. Oh God, how can there be more things to deal with? Have we not gone through enough both alone and together? What is it you are trying to teach us? Help us hear your voice oh God. Teach us God…Open our ears to hear your voice and to continue to trust you.
· Yet there was more...Yes, more! My soul-mate had medical tests only to find there were more medical issues. Later, it was also discovered there were a multiple tumors up and down his thoracic spine due to the high impact at the time of the accident. His compression of his spinal cord was causing many issues...pain and loss of function. How can it be? Why him? Wasn't it enough that I should suffer and now more for him? He does not deserve to suffer too! So many questions… My mind wonders will he live? Will I live? If so, why is God keeping us here? Parts of me want to cry out, “Just take our lives God! We cannot take anymore! We do not want to live like this! Enough is enough! Nevertheless, I know all we can do is keep trusting. So we cry out to God as we continue to question...yet, we come back to trusting Him. This is such a difficult task on some days. Each time we trust, we seem to be knocked down only to start all over again. Although at the same time, we can feel God there with us, cheering us on. So much to learn in this life…
· UPDATE: Time has passed and there still is much pain and still dealing with loss and life issues. It has been 3 years since the drunk driver hit my soul-mate, yet the insurance has not paid their part. We have almost loss everything. There are no more resources to draw from, the house not has a 2nd mortgaged, took a loan on the vehicle, cashed out life insurance, continue selling items from the household, So there is not much left to do except is to trust God to pull us through this life...to lean on Him and trust He will work all things for good. Yet, at this point, it feels so unjust, so unfair! So much suffering, so much many struggles and so much stretching financially, not to mention the stress on our relationship.
All we wanted to do was serve God. We had planned to do missions each summer and reach out and touch the hurting. Why would God allow this to happen? It just does not make sense; the drunk driver has only spent 2 months in jail and 1 month of community service. This is his 3rd offense! Who is the real victim here? Unbelievably, the insurance company is now fighting to not pay for medical bills and the continued care. Turning to pray each and every day is the only answer. We are even praying for the drunk driver’s salvation and a change in his heart and addiction. We look to God for our everyday needs and trust that He will take care of us. We trust He will use our suffering and pain to help others. Obviously, it has been an extreme financial hardship, but it is even more so a heavy emotional hardship. It is so hard to keep trusting, but we must keep trusting God...there is no other choice. It can be so depressing! Anger wells up inside at times. At times, we question God's love for us. It is hard to find the strength to keep fighting for what is right. So many forms and records to track since they seem to continually lose them and say they have no knowledge of this or that record. How is this right? The Word of God states the wick will prosper on this earth; this must be part of the proof. God, we turn to you, we must trust you with this issue...you know each of our needs. We must have faith in you God, although at times we feel so defeated, other times we feel angry and other times so empty. Please hear our cry God...you know all our needs! All we have is you. We cry out to you! Hear our cry oh God! We look to you!
· There have been other family heartaches too...divorces, nephews in Iraq, other family members injured or ill, death of my step-mom, etc...All these things and more weigh on our lives and bring us more pain. It reminds me of the story of Job when he is told, “Just curse God and die!” That is many ways feels like the easy way out, but how would that bring glory to God? How would that truly bring an end to our suffering? It seems in the long run we would have eternal suffering in hell. So God, here we are, we refuse to allow Satan to beat us down. We continue to trust you in every circumstance. We trust you to put your joy in our hearts even when there is none to be found. Help us hang in there God!
· As for today, our pain continues for both of us...at this point, my muscles have red ragged fibers, described as "moth-eaten like" meaning the muscles are slowly dying, including the Mitochondria of the cells. There is nothing that can be done about it. However, we know God is our healer. We know He love us. He is the God of miracles, so we look to Him. We must make use of the tools of pain and suffering He has given us. We must reflect on the comfort He has given us in the past so we can comfort others and move on from day to day. Yet, even then, there are so many questions. Therefore, we continue to work toward finding the blessings in life...To use the tools of pain and suffering for good...to comfort others through our experience of pain. We must remember our God truly understands our pain and our suffering. We must use our experiences for good. Some days that is a very tall order. Some days it is hard to find even one blessing in the day. So God, I look to you for the blessings in our lives. I pray you will guide our steps and our relationship.
· Currently, we are looking into the possibility of having a pain pump an/or neuro-stimulator placements so pain can be under more control. This can also allow each of us to have some enjoyment in life. (Of course, we are not sure if this is an option as of yet.) We are hoping this will be an option. Perhaps, it would help our relationship not to see one another suffer so much. We still encourage and support one another. No matter what, our hearts truly want to be able to serve God and use the gifts He has given us. We are still trusting for a miracle; even though we had to separate, we are still looking to God to teach us more about using the tools of pain and suffering for His glory. We acknowledge we cannot do this on our own strength...yes, we look to you God. We know you, oh God, are the ONLY one that truly understands our pain and our journey.
So with all that said, together, yet apart, we are here making the journey. Yes, it feels like an up-hill climb, especially after the review the past years. Wow, I must say, recalling all those events (even though I chose not to include all of them), made my head spin. It is a miracle that either of us is still here, alive. I am not sure how God has given us the faith in God at this point in our journey in order to continue on. I know we would have most likely have taken our lives if we did not have God. There has been way too much loss, suffering and pain, but for some reason, our God has kept us both here on this earth. We both have a heart that longs to serve Him and to find the ways God wants us to touch the lives of others. Each day, we must stop and "play it by ear" to wait and see how the day will unfold. We must see if our bodies will allow us to move about and do some sort of activity to fill the day, or if it will be a day of rest. We must fully trust God each morning before we get up and each night before going to sleep. Neither of us knows if we will awake the next morning and still find ourselves on this earth, but we rest with peacefully thoughts knowing god loves us. Our lives are fully in His hands!
Therefore, we must remember to take the time each day to reflect back on what God has done for us. We must remember He suffered so much more than we can imagine, even before we were born. He understands all the physical and the emotional pain. He longs to comfort all of us. He knows our pain and wants to comfort each of us. He really does! You can fully trust that fact...He know how to make pain our greatest tool. After all, He suffered and died for each of us and on the third day, He rose again. What a gift!
It is a tremendous gift of love...All that Jesus did was motivated solely by His heart of love. Just think of that! He truly wants a personal relationship with each of us because He loves us. He wants to comfort us in our struggles, our pain and our sufferings. He wants us to know He can personally relate to us on a personal level. We can be sure that as our Creator; He did all He could do to save us. He did this out of pure love not out of pity or a sense of obligation because He is who He is. It is true; He did it because He loves us. He loves each one of us individually, just as we are. He understands what each one of us is going through each and every minute of every day. He wants to be there every step of the way, to guide us, to hold us and to teach us His love. He is the ONLY one that can completely feel our pain. He truly knows our pain. He knows our hearts and our struggles-both physically and emotionally. He wants us to know we can lean on Him...He is always strong and always there to hear our cry, even when He feels far away. Believe me, I would not be here if that were not true! I am so thankful he understands and knows my pain, my soul-mate’s pain and each your pain.
So remember on this Easter, remember, our God knows our pain and He loves us more than we will ever know! He suffered more physical and emotional pain than we can imagine. He died and rose again so we could be free and have life everlasting. We can trust Him...we can take His promises to the bank; it is an account that will never run dry! He holds the keys to life...even through the pain; He can help us find true JOY! Let Him hold your heart...He knows your pain…Let Him hold your heart!
